I asked my brother if my mom had called earlier, and he said she did. I'm just relieved, but I can't really rest my eyes right now. I guess there's still an itch of worry inside me, so I guess I'll just watch some old anime to make it feel better.

I'm scared. My mom left for Las Vegas on Thursday morning, and she hasn't called us for any confirmation that she made it there safely. I just have a really bad feeling... she ALWAYS calls the very minute she gets there. God. I realised it just a few minutes ago and started panicking.. so I started dialing all these phone numbers on her desk that had the area code of 702, but sadly, out long distance connection is disconnected. Which reminds me... I should have mentioned that my mom filed for bankruptcy just this week. She told me before she left.

I'm shaking all over... I don't know what I should do. I'm really scared. Not because of the bankruptcy thing, but because of the safety of my mom. I don't know what's happening with her right now, and I can't contact her. And what makes it worse... she and I got in a fight the night before she left, and I actually wished for her to die. I forgot why I wished it, it was just a spiteful thing I wispered to myself when her back was turned on the height of us yelling at each other. I am a FUCKING horrible monster and I pray for death. How the hell can I do that? And now I'm fucking worried with so much insecurities about how my mom is doing.... and I want to cut myself because I'm back here, in Santa Cruz, where I'm going to be spending the weekend with my friends--getting ready for Lorraine's sweet sixteen, for our performance, plus on Sunday we're getting together at the mall and afterwards, at the restaurant to celebrate Christina's birthday. On Monday, we plan on going to San Jose to take studio pictures. Making those plans today after dance class made my conscious split from all different kinds of directions... because first of all, my mom MIGHT not have made it safely to wherever my step dad was. And I'm HERE, fucking having fun with my friends?!?!? What the fuck is wrong with me? And what's worse is, my friends--Lorraine, Stephanie, Christina, Ashley or ANYONE ELSE don't know shit about what's going on around my life. I don't bother telling them.

I can tell right now, from my current emotion that I will be crying myself to sleep tonight. Worrying... wondering... feeling guilty. I remember when I was younger--making a promise that if I had a choice to either save my mother's life and give up my own, or let her die and have myself live. I would have chosen to die for her. And I still would... I have been selfish enough my entire life that I owe her that. But now, she's in Las Vegas where I can't help her and I feel so useless. Can you believe I'mc rying right now? The tears are trickling down my rosy cheeks as I reach for the kleenex to blow my nose. My eyes are red, and my head is throbbing almost louder than the THUMP THUMP THUMP of my deeply wounded heart. I lost my grandfather.. my dad... my step dad... almost lost my grandmother.. friends... all from the thing called "death". I can't bear lose my mom. No, not right now. I can't... I won't. I refuse to lose her. But what can I do? Pray? Pray to the God that took my loved ones with pure hearts and consciousness... took the people that I loved the most, the ones that don't deserve to die? My grandfather grew up under the roof of a poor farmer in the Philippines. HIS father wouldn't allow him to go to school, because he wanted him to grow up as a farmer and take care of their land. Do you know what my grandfather did? He worked with his bare hands to carry blocks of wood miles to the store to sell them as firewood. He WORKED himself to school. He WORKED himself for a good education. He had his own law firm in the Philippines---working for poor people, trying to live by whatever he had. Sometimes, people were so poor in the Philippines that they would pay my grandfather with FOOD for his services since they had no money. He was such a good person, that he would sometimes use his OWN money to work for people that needed a lawyer but had so little.

My mom WORKED her way to California. She worked so God-damned hard, and I just stood there, take advantage of it all. I had it so good... while she was working her ass off. I feel so selfish. I hate myself. I remember when I was younger, being new to America, I would remember my grandfather and how little time I had with him in this world. I would start being secretly depressed and I would lock myself in my room--pretending to be asleep. What I would do was... I would grab the kitchen knife and start cutting small cuts onto my upper legs. Since I was a little tom-boy then and would always wair pants, they were never visible. I loved giving myself scars. I was only what... 7 years old then, too. I remember when I was about 11.. I almost gave myself a scar on my face that would start from the upper left of my eye to the bottom right of my cheek. Kind of like the one that Squall had, but much bigger. I didn't go through with it... because it would be way too visible, and I was afraid of what my mom would do to me or say. Everytime my mom and I would fight, I would keep the SAME kitchen knife we've had for years under my bed just in case the emotional pain I was feeling would be too much, and I decide to make it so that I was having physical pain instead of having to endure my emotional weakness.

Fuck. If I don't get in contact with my mom, I fucking swair I'm gonna go crazy. I can't stand this fucking anticipation. I will seriously kill myself if she isn't okay. Ugh. I'm going to lie down now on my mom's bed and cry until the sound of my weeping lullabyes me to sleep. I hope I die in my sleep... it would be easier that way.

Update [yeah yeah]:

Uhh. I got bored waiting for my laundry to finish, so I started signing up for all these rings and stuff from Ring Surf and yeah... I am now part of the Blog Snob ring, the Blogs of Women ring, I *was* in the Filipino bloggers ring, but it was pretty lame so I quit, the Bitchy Bloggers ring... and again, I quit this other ring called the "Diva of something something blogs". The code was all messed up and made my thing look really gaudy, I was too lazy to fix it, so I just took it out all together. *yawn* [When the hell will that stupid laundry get dry...? God damnit.]

Woo hoo! We just got our basketball sweatshirts today. :D

I cut my hair. =B

I just did it at the spur of the moment... I locked myself in the bathroom last night, and SNIP SNIP!



The only thing I cut are the bangs. I always wanted bangs. :P

Jaded

Imagine a door, a door grand enough for anyone to walk through,
Imagine the other side, a world where all your dreams come true.

Imagine now, the people this world once had,
All on the other side, no one ever sad.

Girls are stupid. That's why I make friends with guys easier than with girls.


Fiend ¬_¬: bahhhhh
Fiend ¬_¬: santa cruz sucks
Monkey Fu Style: tch fine
Monkey Fu Style: haha
Fiend ¬_¬: : :-)
Monkey Fu Style: not as much as monterey
Fiend ¬_¬: : I haven't been in monterey for.... 5 years
Monkey Fu Style: i'd bring you down here
Monkey Fu Style: but my gf thinks I'm like hardcore macking on you or something
Fiend ¬_¬: : dude
Fiend ¬_¬: : that's messed up
Fiend ¬_¬: : girls suck
Monkey Fu Style: like...I told her about how we accidentally met at the BW onthat birthday
Monkey Fu Style: fucking
Monkey Fu Style: she was all
Monkey Fu Style: OMG>..
Monkey Fu Style: YOU INVITED HER THERE HUH?
Monkey Fu Style: YOU'RE SO FUCKING HER BEHING MY BACK
Monkey Fu Style: BLAH BLAH BLAH
Monkey Fu Style: all that kind of shit
Fiend ¬_¬: : LOL
Monkey Fu Style: I'm like
Monkey Fu Style: ooo k
Monkey Fu Style: and I put her down
Fiend ¬_¬: : that's actually pretty funny
Monkey Fu Style: Mil = friend
Monkey Fu Style: mil = 16
Monkey Fu Style: mil = NOT SOMEONE WHO FUCKS PEOPLE
Fiend ¬_¬: : hell yes
Monkey Fu Style: mil = someone who doesn't like me like that
Monkey Fu Style: but still
Monkey Fu Style: that wasn't enough
Monkey Fu Style: but eh...she got over it
Fiend ¬_¬: : that's good
Monkey Fu Style: once she asked alex
Monkey Fu Style: and alex'll lie for me....but SHE doesn't know that
Fiend ¬_¬: : lol
Monkey Fu Style: eh...either way it wasn't the way she thought it was
Monkey Fu Style: stupid bitch
Fiend ¬_¬: : o_O;;
Fiend ¬_¬: : Why is she like that?
Fiend ¬_¬: : Does she really love you or something?
Monkey Fu Style: uber insecure
Monkey Fu Style: I think so
Fiend ¬_¬: : wow
Monkey Fu Style: sometimes I wonder though
Monkey Fu Style: this is gonna sound bad
Monkey Fu Style: but I don't care
Monkey Fu Style: it's free affection till I leave
Monkey Fu Style: and I don't have much luck with girls...so yeah
Fiend ¬_¬: : even if she's kind of crazy... if she really loves you, then that's a keeper
Fiend ¬_¬: : she's only saying shit like that and being worried because she doesn't want to lose you
Fiend ¬_¬: : you know
Monkey Fu Style: I do know
Fiend ¬_¬: : good. now i'll brb because I'm hungry as fuck
Fiend ¬_¬: : be back in 10

--

I finished eating two bowls of cereal and I'm still hungry. Bah, there's nothing to eat in this house. *goes to 7-11 to buy some junk-food* La la la la la. I guess I'll take a shower after I eat. Then I'll... get my shit ready for tommorow since I have school, and then... I'll eat some more. I lost 6 pounds from basketball, so I'm working on gaining it back. Ehehehehehehe. But the sucky part is that I can't eat meat or candy [due to my new years resolution] so it's going to be hard gaining that weight back. At least I can eat more! =D

Flashback speech by yours truely:


Some people try to act all ghetto, forgetting it's real meaning. Being ghetto means having to live from paycheck to paycheck, inside a fourth-class neighborhood, thriving to keep each family member alive with one meal a day. Egotistical, self centered, status seeking, posers who try to build a fake image out of their already picture perfect life and immersing themselves in it, dressing, talking, and walking the 'thugg life'. They all irritate the shit outta me.


Eat a banana if you agree.

Yatta yatta yatta yatta yatta yatta yatta yatta yatta yatta yatta yatta yatta yatta yatta yatta yatta!

I'm finally done with my new layout. I didn't have much time to work on it yesterday because I had a basketball game at Scotts Valley, but I finished it this morning and it's pretty decent. ^^;;; I like it a lot better than my old one, but yeah. Which reminds me... I'll be saving my old layouts into my old bloggers. So, you can find my old layout at Got Mil?.

Blah. I need to save all of my old layouts. I deleted the first Blogger layout that I made, and lost the second one. *cry* Oh well. I'll just make more! lol. Anywho... yeah. WE WON OUR GAME YESTERDAY. So cool. It's like the second game we've won in the season, AND IT'S THE SAME SCHOOL THAT WE BEAT LAST TIME, TOO. Hahahahahaha. Scotts Valley sucks. =D Anywho... today is picture day for basketball. W00T. Oh yeah! My mom is going to Las Vegas from Thursday to Sunday night, so... party at my house? Haha. Yeah right, I wish. Wait... no I don't, hosting a highschool party with a bunch of Santa Cruz people is bad. Baaaaad. I don't know what I'm gonna do this weekend, I guess just.... sit around and make layouts. ò_Ó;;; I would ask Isaac if he wants to hang out, but I haven't really been in the best of my moods lately, and I've been a total bitch the last few times I talked to him online. So yeah, I feel really bad. I guess. ~_~

Ahh, heavenly times. I don't have to go to school until next Thursday! Mwahahahahahahha. Anywho... I'm planning on making a new Blogger layout, you know, just to have something to do. Oooh this is going to be so much fun! :D

Woo hoooooo!! I just finished making Ukyo's [Aaron] Blogger layout! I am so happy with the results. Before that, I asked Aaron if he wanted me to make him a new layout for his blogger, Traces, and he said yes. He told me what he had wanted on it this morning [afternoon, to be technical... I just woke up at that time :x], I started working on it, and voila! W0000T. This is probably the fastest, prettiest layout I've done ever. I usually take a whole two days to make my own layouts, I can't believe I actually finished today. :D

To see it, you must go to my old blogger's page because Aaron's not online, so I can't get him to put it up on his Blogger yet. Don't be confused, I blogged everything there a long ass time ago... so yeah. I just needed a visual to work from so I know I was putting the Blogger codes in correct. ^.^

Aaron's new Blogger layout

I just uploaded some new Japanese songs... I'll be uploading some more Asian music today or tommorow... or whatever. Enjoy, kiddios. [I'm wairing my sports bra over my basketball practice jersey]

"Seasons" by Ayumi Hamasaki
"My wish, My Life" by Do As Infinity
"Tooku Made" by Do As Infinity
"Another World" by Gackt
"Please Smile Again" by Namie Amuro

I also took some pictures of me... since it's been a while since I my last recent picture. x_o;







Dude. A LOT of people at my school say I look like Thandie Newton:





If the pictures aren't working when you click on them, just copy and paste the url and do it that way. I took these pictures from a Geocities member because I was too lazy to upload them onto my server. =P But yeah! Uhh, the only thing that Thandie and I have in common is our eyebrows. Hahahahaha. I don't think I look like her. ^^;;;;